The Joke Thread- Post 'em if you got 'em.

[Ron Snow]

The town of Butte, MT is not too far from where I call home. Back in the day, it was known as the Richest Hill On Earth. Famous for it's mining operations and wealth untold discovered, won, lost and traded hands back then. The mines, gold, copper, silver and more, attracted lots miners from all over the world. Those of Irish decent showed up in great numbers and Butte has forever since been known as a town that loves to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. In a big way. So, here's to Butte, hardworking people and a sense of fun. Cheers.

Overheard in Butte, MT on St. Patrick's Day:
"I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank his and mine.
Then I got us a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank his and mine.
It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope.
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so blarney gee-eyed I could hardly push the stroller back home!"

 

[Ron Snow]

Albert Einstein didn't have a driver's license so he had to ride the bus to get back and forth to his job at the university. He was a sociable guy and he like to talk to the other passengers, but he always tried to keep his conversation to their level. He got on the bus one day and asked the fellow sitting next to him:

"If you don't mind do you know what your I Q is"?
The fellow says 170 so Einstein says "Well I'm Albert Einstein, have you heard of my theory of relativity" and they discussed that for the rest of the ride.

The next time he gets on the bus there's a young woman sitting next to him, so he asks her "If you don't mind, do you know what your I Q is"? She said 120, so Einstein says "So what do you think of the political situation in the country" and they talked politics for the rest of the ride.

The next time he gets on the bus there's a guy sitting there and Einstein asks him "If you don't mind do you know what your I Q is'? The guy says 70. Einstein says "So, did you get your deer yet"?

 

[Ron Snow]

Me and my Dad were working on his truck. When we finished we had an old oil pan with some gas in it which we used to clean up the grease off our hands. While we were still wiping our hands off his dog comes over and starts licking the gas. His dog shook its head a few times and started running around and around the house. After several loops around the house the dog just fell over. Did it die?

No, it just ran out of gas.

 

[Great White North Eh]

Ran out ..haha good one. Should have got one of them ‘’good for environment‘’ electric dogs

 

[Burn'n Oil]

There was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and smelled all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

The boy knew that meant a spanking... so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

[Burn'n Oil]

The Snow(man)
8:00 am - I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It just is what it is...

 

[Burn'n Oil]

Never gets old...

1) Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain... the cobra died.

2) He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris, it's definitely his last laugh.

3) The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

4) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

5) Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

6) Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

7) If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

8) When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

9) When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.

10) Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

11) Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants today are known as giraffes.

12) Chuck Norris doesn't breathe air. He holds air hostage.

13) Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

14) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.

15) Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

16) Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.

17) Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that his eyes won't hurt the sun.

18) If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

19) When Chuck Norris works out he doesn't get stronger, the machine does.

20) Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

 

[Great White North Eh]

Snowballs that’s hilarious!!!!! It was so cold here they would have been sucked up pretty tight! Ahhh winter time.. you have to either laugh or cry.

 

[Plum Cra Zy]

Scientists have crossed a donkey and a deer. It's kinda ugly but.......Dat ass doe!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Plum Cra Zy]

What do Jussie Smollett and Mike Bloomberg have in common?
They both spent lots of money to have their asses kicked!

 

[MartyZ]

Golf Joke
A man and woman are at the alter about to be married. The soon to be husband says to his fiance, "Babe, i have something i need to confess before we are married. Im a huge golf fan and im going to spend a lot of my free time on the course" She smiles and says "Thats ok, i have something to confess to you as well, Im a Hooker." The man responds "Oh thats alright babe, you just have to keep your chin down and follow through"

 

[MartyZ]

Another golf Joke
A guy is out golfing with his caddie and has a horrible day. He is almost double the Par on every hole and hasnt landed a decent shot all day. Walking back to clubhouse they pass a large pond. The golfer says to the caddie "Man i should just walk out into the water and drown myself" The frustrated caddie says "I dont think you could keep your head down long enough"

 

[MartyZ]

What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexic Association

 

[MartyZ]

My wife told me to stop pretending im a flamingo

So i had to put my foot down.

 

[Plum Cra Zy]

They thought John Travolta might have COVID 19, turns out he had Saturday night fever, and it looks like he will be staying alive!

 

[MartyZ]

I had joke about COVID-19


But you wont get it...

 

[Plum Cra Zy]

Chuck Norris caught COVID19, the virus is currently in quarantine for 2 weeks!

 

[Bottomfeeder]

What happened to the pope when he went to Mount Olive?......Popeye almost killed him.

 

[Squatch]

Santa comes down the chimney to deliver some presents, and there is this beautiful 20 something year old , in her underwear, waiting for him. She says” Santa I’ve been up all night waiting, why don’t you stay with me a little while?”

Santa replies, “ ho ho ho, Santa gotta go, gotta deliver those presents ya know”

She takes her bra off, “please Santa, please stay”

Santa, “ ho ho ho, Santa gotta go, gotta deliver those presents ya know”

She takes off her panties and starts rubbing the inside of her thighs. “Oh please stay Santa!”

Santa, “ Hey, hey, hey, Santa gotta stay, can’t go up the chimney with his dick this way!”

 

[Plum Cra Zy]

Day 5 of home schooling and the oldest one called in a bomb threat!