The Joke Thread- Post 'em if you got 'em.

[Metternacht]

I’m making a documentary about setting up a vegetable garden.

It is going to be narrated by a common tater

 

[EvoRaat]

After riding my motorcycle for a couple hundred miles, I found a hole in the wall with all you can eat fish. After 3 plates, I was full. I moseyed up to the bar, where there was a fine looking blonde gal. We got to talking, and I finally asked here name, she replied "My name is Carmen."...we kept talking for a bit and I said, "you know, forgive me but you don't look hispanic"...she replied " I'm not". I then asked how she came by the name Carmen? She replied, "When I was old enough, I got my name changed to the two things I enjoyed the most...cars and men". Wow, I thought that was pretty neat. Carmen then asked my name, I told her "You can call me BeerF-ck Darlin!"

 

[wrvond]

Many years ago I walked into a market specializing in rare or unusual foodstuffs such as thousand-year eggs, balut, duck heads and fried spiders. Suddenly I came upon a display with the accompanying sign "Navy brains - 20 cents per pound". Well, I was quite surprised by this and not a little taken aback. Moving on I saw the next shelf had a sign that said "Air Force brains - 85 cents per pound". How odd, I thought. Then next shelf, not surprisingly offered Army brains for $1.45 per pound. This was getting weird! Not surprisingly the last shelf offered Marine brains, but the price had to be a mistake - Thirty dollars a pound could not be right! I simply had to ask for an explanation - the proprietor, when asked what made Maring brains so special responded "Do you have any idea how many Marines it takes to come up with a pound of brains?"

 

[Rockcrawlindude]

I had sex with this blind woman the other night.

She said I had the biggest dick she’s ever had her hands on

I said you’re pulling my leg

 

[Grey]

Why do men love women in Leather? Because they smell like a new car !!!!!!!!!

 

[Grey]

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has her class go home and write a story and then conclude the moral of the story. The next day teacher ask for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suszy raises her hand.

"My Dad own a farm and every Sunday we load the eggs on the truck, drive into town and sell them at the local market Well one Sunday we hit a big bump, and the eggs flew out the basket and hit the road."
The teacher ask, for the moral of the story. Suzy replies "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket"

Next is Little Lucy, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last time only eight of the twelve eggs hatched.
The teacher ask, for the moral of story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they hatch."

Last is Little Johnny: " My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets. So he pulled his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.
The teacher is horror and shock, ask Jonny what can possibly be the moral of that story?

Johnny replies " Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!!!!!!!!"

 

[flan]

The Genius of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

 

[Grey]

How do you get a nun pregnant? --------------------------------------Dress her like an Altar boy...................

 

[Grey]

A Newly Wed couple checks in at the farmers cabin they had rented for their honeymoon. The old farmer happily shows them to the place, wishes them well and leaves. As he is leaving he cant help but notice the groom right be him with a fishing pole and bucket heading to the pond. The farmer shrugs and goes about his chores.

Early the next morning, the farmer see's the groom heading to the pond again, and later that night the groom heading back to the cabin. After a couple days of this the old farmer cant help but go down to the pond and talk the guy.

The farmer ask, Didn't you two just get married? The groom replies, Yes Sir we did. Old farmer says well son shouldn't you be in there pleasuring your new wife..... The groom replies, Oh no we can't do that she has Gonorrhea... The Farmer shakes his head and says ok, Well son you know there is oral sex... Groom replies Oh No we cant do that she has Gingivitis ..........The Old Farmer in shock, says well son have you thought about anal sex .......... Yet again the Groom replies, Cant do that she has Hemorrhoids.

Now the Old Farmer, is scratching his head and ask. Jesus Christ Son why on earth did you marry this disease ridden girl. The Groom replies, Well she has worms too, and I love to fish.

 

[Grey]

Fair warning, the above joke is funny around the shop. Your wife on the other hand will smack ya. LOL